8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go (2024)

Let me rephrase: Jay Shetty's book is good. It's comprehensive, with advice from therapists, insights from the Vedas, and common sense. Never mind the 'until now!' hype; young readers want freshly packaged wisdom.

My review at Newsblaze sounded a bit too harsh. THIS IS A GOOD BOOK. Not "new" and unprecedented but still useful those who have not read a gazillion other books about love and relationships.

Back to my original goodreads review:

"Nobody sits us down and teaches us how to love. So we’re often thrown into relationships with nothing but romance movies and pop culture to help us muddle through. Until now."

Sorry, this book is not ground-breaking. Nothing new under the sun here. It’s all good advice, of course. And it’s all been around for some time now, not just in ashrams and the Vedas. Books, couples counselors, advice columns, blogs, podcasts - nothing is new. Some people just phrase things with a fresh twist, like "Swipe right."

A Catholic priest Father Vu, posted (on Instagram) “Date Night Discussion Questions” for married couples, and I had just read a nearly identical set of questions at 5:30 a.m. that same day in the "8 Rules" book. Does sleep deprivation make me a grouchy book reviewer? Eh. No, I just bristle at promises like “until now,” we’ve never had so much useful advice in one book.

The very title sets my teeth on edge. Rules. Pick a number. Any number of RULES on how to live, love, thrive in this world. It’s a marketing gimmick. Like the click bait ads - “Five Foods You Must Eat to Ward Off Cancer” - Headlines with numbered lists attract readers, as do "Secrets" -

That said, I have read the entire book, more than once. This is not the kind of book you read cover-to-cover in one weekend. It’s packed full of exercises, anecdotes, scientific studies, the wisdom of the Vedas, quotes from family therapists and assorted life coaches, and ideas we’ve seen in other books or in memes all over social media.

Shetty joined an ashram at age 21. For three years he lived as a monk, studying the Vedas, which were written more than five thousand years ago. Their relevance in the modern world “amaze and inspire” him, he writes in the Introduction. This book is rooted in Vedic principles, “applying Vedic concepts in ways they haven’t been used before, applying spiritual concepts to earthly relationships.”

Eh. He had to go there, didn’t he. It wasn’t just the Simon & Schuster employee trying to schill a book; the author himself says he’s doing things that have not been done before. Like Moses coming down from the mountaintop, he brings us rules.

These rules are rooted in The Vedas.

“The Vedas describe four stages of life, and these are the classrooms in which we’ll learn the rules of love so that we can recognize it and make the most of it when it comes our way,” Shetty explains. “After we learn the lessons of one level, we move to the next.”

However, many of us pass through the four ashrams without learning our lessons.

“If you haven’t learned the life lessons of an ashram, life will keep pushing you back to that phase of life in one way or another,” Shetty says.

The book follows the order of the ashrams, which parallel the progression of relationships: “from preparing for love, to practicing love, to protecting love, to perfecting love.”

Brahmacharya, Grhastha, Vanaprastha, Sannyasa. I won’t summarize it all here; you can read the book yourself or check out Shetty’s podcasts and videos. What you can’t do is learn the Vedas yourself online. One YouTube video warned that nobody can study and understand the Vedas without a guru to explain them.

No wonder Shetty is training thousands of new life coaches to share his insights into the Vedas.

I’m not a fan of the “exercises” and advice sections. This book has so many pages and so many questionnaires and assessments, it felt like I was investing hours with a therapist. For thirty dollars, you might find the book is quicker and easier than weekly therapy.

Overall, I can endorse this book for young people who have not already read a hundred other titles with similar messages.

The long version of this review is published at Newsblaze.

This book is based on what the ancient Vedic texts call the four ashrams. The way Shetty has used and described the four ashrams is completely incorrect and his own interpretation. This entirely construes the sanctity of the four ashrams. I understand it may be adapted, but to show that the ashrams are all based on ‘love’ is wrong.

The single star rating I have given is for the author’s ability to link back to the Bhagavad Gita and bring in examples from Shri Krishna and Arjun. I wanted to avoid this negative review, but felt that I must be honest with what I had read and thought.

Keeps explaining too much that I do not want to be a better version of myself anymore. I will just NETFLIX.

The author’s content is just not for me. Tried the other book, didn’t happen after so many trials. Thought this would be the one book but no. Yes, not all self help/nonfiction books work for everyone.

TDLR: superficial but not terrible advice packaged sloppily by a man with no credentials. Maybe if you've never read any personal development article or book ever, this is an okay start.

Background: I've been avoiding this book for a while. Even the title biased me because RULES????? for LOVE? or LIFE? Ridiculous. It sounds like click bait articles that will also tell me 5 foods to eat to lose 20lbs. But it's been recommended to me a lot. And I listened to him on a few podcasts and thought... well... maybe I'll give it a try. At this point, I still don't understand why he's so popular and some part of me is very reluctant to lean into him. my intuition does not want to trust him. And frankly....Part of me is worried I'll read it and unlock some part of myself I wasn't ready for, some rule that hits me deeply, something that clicks some inadequacy of mine. But... I read it anyway with an open mind and heart and whatever else.

Before we continue... I wanted to write a fair critique so I read the book and even listened to parts to see if anything changed with him reading it. I listened to podcasts where he is a guest and a few where he's the host and both solo and guest episodes. I googled some of the things he talks about in the book. I googled him. Overall, I gave him a fair chance before really settling into my decision.

Which is that this is an objectively terrible book by someone young with a large follower for unknown reasons. I think his credentials are seriously that he is married (he won't ever let the reader forget it), that he was a monk for a bit (won't let that one go either) and that he is a coach (what does that even really mean). He was a monk for three years (age 22-25). It's more than any average person sure but that's.... really not a lot of time to be making big proclamations.
He's like an Indian Rachel Hollis.

1. Life and love have no rules. The title is clickbait and so is the book.
2. The advice isn't actually bad. But it's superficial and has no nuance. love yourself, be comfortable with yourself, fight healthily, don't be in abusive relationships, love not just your partner, support your partner. WOW.
3. This book is poorly written. The language is very informal which is the intent but my god, where was the editor. It has no flow, lacks transitions. It jumps mid paragraph between thoughts to the point I thought I hadn't read it right. Sloppy.
4. I think he takes some serious liberties with interpretations of Vedic texts. He frames everything into love (and mostly between monogamous partners) which... took one Google to dispel. His four stages of love.... are really stretched interpretations from the Bhagavad Gita. And I feel like he just uses whatever suits him to fit his point because well... none of us were monks! none of us have read the Bhagavad Gita!! so how would we know!
5. He uses "modern science" really poorly in the book. He cites some slapshot articles barely grazing their actual meaning.
6. He really relies on the fact that he was a monk, is a husband, and a coach to whoever for the reader to trust him. I am a PhD, I've been a girlfriend, and I coach people. Does that automatically mean you should trust me???? I actually don't trust him one bit. I know he's only gonna try to sell me his next book, his meditation app, his coaching services, or his podcast, whatever snake oil he's got cooking.
7. I think he takes advantage of a moment in time when a lot of millenials look to 'eastern' cultures for things where 'western' seems to be lacking. Yoga ('vinyasa', 'hatha', 'nidra') is popular, Ayurvedic practices are seeing an uptick, meditation (typically associated with Indian cultures) is gaining traction. I'm surprised tumeric wasn't one of the rules.

That's it. If you got this far into the review, I'll just say - don't read this book.
I personally won't be giving this man any more money or platform and my gut says he will be caught in a scandal about his writings and attributions, credentials or something else within the next decade.

To every husband, wife, partner, friend, single person,
Do yourself a favor and immerse yourself in this book of love. Learn how to put love into the world in everything you do. The more you give love the more joy you will have. Take a journey to learn and understand others more deeply. More importantly, to learn and understand more about yourself. Give love to yourself. I had so many key takeaways from this book. I read this as a single person, not looking for love, for reference. This is one I will reread for the rest of my life.

Sejujurnya, ketika liat judul buku barunya Jay Shetty yang ini, aku teringat lagunya JKT48 😂 (Aturan Anti Cinta)...

But anyway, aku bukan mau bahas korelasi lagunya JKT48 dg buku ini ya. Aku malah pengin share what key takeaways yg bikin aku menyadari sesuatu dalam hubungan kami.

Dalam 8RoL, Shetty menekankan kalau beda antara "mencintai" dg "memiliki" tuh tipis banget. Seringkali kita memaknai "cinta" sinonim dg "ownership." Padahal setiap manusia punya otoritas atas dirinya sendiri. Every one of us punya kuasa buat nentuin mau dibawa hubungannya (you sing, you lose).

Kalau dilihat di medsos, you may see aku & Syemmi semacam happy-go-lucky. Di baliknya, ya ada perbedaan argumen. Intonasi suara yg meninggi & omelan. This book, reminds me again to have a healthy discussion. I can not control him & he is my possession.

That's one thing. The other thing yg aku syukuri adalah: Syemmi ngasih aku banyak "gift" yg selama ini aku dapatkan dari orangtuaku.

Aku ngeh banget gimana usahaku buat nggak mengulangi pola yg sama dg kekurangan orangtuaku (makanya aku baca buku kayak gini..). Tapi rupanya tanpa sadar aku juga punya standar yg nggak aku cantumin dalam ceklisku. Misalnya nih, karena dibesarkan dg ayah yg hobi ke museum & toko buku, aku jadi nyari partner yg juga bakal enjoy kalau ku ajak ke sana. I want to feel that kind of excitement dg orang yg kusayang & yg sayang dgku.

Aku sempat menertawai kisah cintaku yg terdahulu gegara bagian 5 Types We Fall For. Been there done that & jadi belajar banyak hal soal benerin diri & mindset. Akhirnya aku paham, standarku buat nyari partner nggak bisa pake standar society atau akun menfess di Twitter 😂 Nggak bisa pake standar "nyari partner supaya bisa dipamerin di depan mantan" 🤣

What I love about this book adalah 2 bab awal ngebahas habis tentang self-love. Bukan yg normatif. Tapi ngingetin kita kalau "lu mau pasangan yg kayak gitu, ya lu kudu usaha sampe ke level itu." No one lift us up kecuali diri kita sendiri.

Such a good book to see "love as a verb."

I feel like I’m in my self love and healing era, so this just didn’t feel right for me right now.

[..] Visvienkāršākais (un drošākais) veids, kā davāt mīlestību cilvēkiem, ko sastopam mūsu ceļā, ir smaidīt. [..]

Šī ir ļoti iedrošinoša grāmata! Smaidīt. Sev un citiem. Mīlēt. Sevi un citus. Un ne vien astoņos mīlestības likumos, bet pagriežot "8" simbolu ... "∞" ... bezgalība ...

Šī nav tipiska pašpalīdzības grāmata - tā nemāca KĀ vajadzētu dzīvot un mīlēt, lai sasniegu tos vai citus! Autors tajā dalās ar savu pieredzi daudzu garumā esot Budistu mūkam, satiekot un intervējot cilvēkus, kā arī ļoti plašām zināšanām psiholoģijā, literatūrā - senajās un mūsdienu. Ļoti daudz noderīgu atsauču, kas rosina pētīt un gribēt izzināt vairāk.

[..] Laikā, ko pavadām vieni, pārvietojamies pa pasauli cit��di,
jo esam vērīgaki pret sevi un apkārtni [..]

Kāds teiks, ka šī grāmata ir mūsdienu "pop'kultūras" ilustrējošs piemērs - un tomēr, tā (šī) ir tieši tāda pasaule, kādā dzīvojam. Steidzīgā. Krāsu, emociju, notikumu pārsātinātā. Nebeidzamu vajadzību un nesasniedzamu priekšstatu karuselis!

Ir labi zināt, ka no tā ir iespējams izkāpt.

In Think Like a Monk, Jay Sherry shared what he learned in the three years he spent at a Hindu monastery as a monk. The book really helped me a lot. In fact I read it through three times and listened to his podcast for a year.

When he got married, he learned what it takes to make a relationship work. He wasn’t perfect but he and Rahvi talked things through and learned together what each other needed. When two people enter into a relationship they bring everything they have learned in their lives into it as well. You have to relearn things as a couple because you both come from different backgrounds.

In 8 Rules of Love, Sherry uses what he learned as a monk and applies it to love. Wonderful and practical advice. If you have felt unlucky in love you need to read this book, if you are in a relationship and are having trouble read this book, if you hope to be in a relationship, READ this book.

8 Rules of Love is an insightful and inspiring guide by Jay Shetty, delving into the depths of love, relationships, and personal growth. Shetty skillfully blends ancient wisdom and modern experiences, presenting a transformative roadmap to foster meaningful connections. Each of the eight essential principles is interwoven with captivating stories, practical exercises, and thought-provoking reflections.

Shetty's ability to draw wisdom from diverse sources, his emphasis on self-awareness and self-love, and his exploration of compassion and empathy as central pillars of love make this book truly impactful. While some readers may find occasional repetition, the book's overall message of the transformative power of love remains clear and valuable. A refreshing outlook on love, it is a must-read for those on a journey of self-discovery.

Read the detailed review here - Books Charming

Jak ja nie znoszę poradników…

🌻 „8 zasad miłości” - Jay Shetty 🌻

… A przynajmniej większości z nich!

W tym roku, aż do teraz, odrzuciłam 100% propozycji współpracy przy poradnikach i sama z siebie nie kupiłam ani jednego. Zazwyczaj tak bardzo drażni mnie styl, w którym są napisane, że nie jestem w stanie przez nie przebrnąć. Ale są wyjątki…
Mogłabym wymienić dwa albo trzy tytuły w tym gatunku, które naprawdę mi się podobały i które uważam za bardzo wartościowe.
Wiecie co?
„8 zasad miłości” wymieniłabym na pierwszym miejscu❤️

Macie taką książkę, o której możecie powiedzieć:
„Zmieniła moje życie”?

Ja nie miałam. I wydawało mi się, że nie będę mieć. Jak ja się cieszę, że się myliłam!

Ta książka naprawdę potrafi zmienić życie.

Przeczytałam ją w dwa dni. W zasadzie pochłonęłam. I kilkukrotnie miałam łzy w oczach, bo to, o czym pisze Jay jest tak trafne… Tak bardzo trafne, że człowiek zaczyna się rozpadać, bo to przecież o nim. Ktoś nagle zagląda Ci do serca i robi szczegółową analizę tego, co czujesz przecież od dawna, ale nie potrafiłeś tego nazwać. Zagląda w Wasze życie, które po wspólnych 8 latach, gdy widzieliście siebie w najtrudniejszych i najpiękniejszych momentach, na pierwszy rzut oka wydaje się bardzo stabilne i poukładane, i pokazuje, że nie wszystko działa. Pozwala spojrzeć z innej perspektywy na to, jak funkcjonuje każde z Was, a uświadomienie sobie tych mechanizmów i różnic jest jak kubeł zimnej wody. Z tą różnicą, że po jego wylaniu nie zaczynacie trząść się z zimna i strachu. Jay przychodzi z wielkim, ciepłym kocem i otula Was nim dokładnie.

Właśnie na to miałam ochotę po skończeniu lektury. Wziąć duży koc, podejść do Jakuba i owinąć nas nim na cały wieczór.

Kocham go od 8 lat. Kocham bez przerwy, chociaż może mi w to nie wierzyć. Kocham, chociaż wątpiłam. Kocham, bo on nigdy nie wątpił. Kocham sto razy bardziej, odkąd jesteśmy małżeństwem. Kocham najmocniej, odkąd jesteśmy rodzicami.
Kocham tamtego chłopaka ze szkoły nastoletnią miłością.
Kocham jako męża miłością umocnioną. Kocham jako tatę naszych dwóch największych miłości - miłością najsilniejszą i najspokojniejszą.

Na koniec, cytując, chcę mu powiedzieć:
„Nadal będę popełniać błędy. Wciąż będę się mylić. Ale będę też wciąż Cię kochać. Obiecuję, że zostaniemy zespołem - że zawsze będziemy stać po tej samej stronie, bez względu na to, z czym się mierzymy. I że zawsze będziemy razem przyjmować to, co przynosi nam życie, zarówno wyzwania, jak i triumfy”.

„8 zasad miłości” zmienia życie. Odczuwam to każdą komórką mojego ciała, w każdej sekundzie od przewrócenia ostatniej kartki. Nas zbliża do siebie, chociaż nie byliśmy daleko. Tego potrzebowaliśmy najbardziej. Już niedługo będziemy w czwórkę. Dzięki tej książce czuję, że teraz jesteśmy na to w pełni gotowi.
A co da Wam?
Jest tylko jeden sposób, żebyście mogli się przekonać. A możliwości są nieskończone, w zależności od tego, gdzie się znajdujecie. Czy jesteście sami, czy z kimś. Czy chcecie mocniej kochać, czy się uwolnić. Czy wierzycie w to, że może coś zmienić, czy nie. W każdej z tych opcji i niezliczonych innych:
Podziękujecie później❤️

Zaczytana Querida

This book is written about love using eastern philosophies as a roadmap. Much of this is straightforward - what you may expect. Yet, I particularly enjoyed his discussion about taking the time to look at a failed relationship and in what ways you and your partner may have contributed to the eventual failure. I always enjoy hearing the author read so the audiobook was a plus.

Oof… maybe 2.5? I really wanted to like this because Ive been in my psychology/self-help era (and because I wanted to justify having bought this new in HC), but it didn’t feel like it gave me anything I haven’t heard before…

5 star!
A must read!!!

peak right book, right time moment

I’m not usually a fan of self-help books, especially on love and relationship which is such a subjective experience, unique for every person.

But I must say – I found Jay Shetty’s second book really helpful, and I liked it even better than the first one.

First off, my absolute favorite chapter was the one on solitude and finding your own self. It was super enlightening and Jay, if you can hear me, you should do a book just on that – finding and understanding your true self. The 2nd chapter, about karma, was also insightful. But even the tasks and ideas on how to solve a conflict with a partner and show affection was really interesting and useful. Like a guide for level-headed adults on building a partnership with honesty.

I have 40-odd yellow post-it notes marking so many quotes throughout the book, so that should sum up how I feel about this book.

So why not 5 stars? Some parts went on too long and the ending on loving everyone was a bit utopian for me.

I DNFd this book because I was bored from the beginning. Nothing really revolutionary here, which surprised me due to it's high ratings. A lot of what Shetty talks about is obvious to me and lacked depth. He talked about spending time alone to get to know yourself without distractions, and really understand yourself in regards to personality, finance, confidence, etc. I agree with this, but don't need a quiz / questionnaire to figure out my areas of improvement. Essentially, know and love yourself before you can love others. Anyway, I bet this book has some good advice in it, but I chose to quit rather than waste more time trying to find it.

For a self help book this was really easy to follow and did not feel condescending like they usually do! There’s some good actionable steps and was super realistic! This book would be helpful for anyone no matter your relationship status

długo trawiłam tę książkę

przeczytałam w całości, by zasięgać mądrych porad w odpowiednich chwilach i powoli wdrażać m.in. przykładowe medytacje

mimo tytułu sugerującego związki romantyczne można zaaplikować do wszelkiego rodzaju relacji międzyludzkich

I went into this book with very high expectations and thought it was going to change my life. I had a very hard time staying focus and felt like I didn’t learn much. I did listen to it so I don’t know if reading it would have helped. I really enjoyed the mind vs intelligence aspect of it and how you can practice love everyday.

This book had me asking myself… am I the problem?

On a serious note, I had never finished a self help book until now. Jay Shetty’s book was so thought provoking, and had me rethinking how I approach conflict and relationships in my everyday life. It also had me get back into journaling which I haven’t done in forever! Definitely not an “easy” read, but worth it.

Self help but valuable lessons on loving yourself, letting go, and loving others. I’ve read and reread different chapters based on what I need at the time. The suggested activities are also great — the one on “giving yourself closure” was especially enlightening after a breakup this year.

A bunch of Instagram posts and effective quotes tied together to form a “book”. Just too lowbrow

I tried to give Jay Shetty a second chance after not liking “Think Like A Monk” as I see many people rave about him on socials and what not, I have to say I just don’t get the hype. This was some super hippy dippy sh*t. lol.

While the ideas seem good in theory, most people I know don’t talk like this or break down relationships like this. Maybe because I’m from a smaller farm town and not some big city, I don’t see things the way he does or maybe I’m just more close minded with my thoughts on relationships. I’m not sure but this was not it for me.

While it was very readable and not a complete slosh to get through, I just didn’t find the ideas relatable. I give up on Jay Shetty. 2 stars.

a comprehensive & interesting read with lots of information from therapists, wisdom from the Vedas, and Jay’s pure intelligence + common sense.

He provides a lot of tangible advice and practices to help us all self-reflect & work on ourselves and our love lives.

Will definitely be re-reading this again at other points in my life 🥰

Mind inspireerib inimene ja olen tegelenud enesearenguga 20a. Mõtlen ikka, et miks tänapäeva inimene jõuab endani alles siis, kui lahutab..? Siis tekib augus olles küsimus, kes ma olen, mis mind innustab jms. Huvitav oli näha, kuidas iidne tarkus on pandud tänapäeva inimesele lihtsalt rakendatavaks, sh küsimused, mida võiksid küsida erinevas etapis endalt ja partnerilt ja kuidas end paarissuhtes mitte ära kaotada.

Ok so literally I finished this with 25 minutes to spare WINNING!

I liked this book- I read it knowing that it would be not the most page turning and it wasn’t because it was a self help book.

But I feel helped! Currently feeling on the precipice of change and although this was mainly written with romantic love in mind, all kinds of love come from the same foundation, so I think the advice in this book is applicable to familial and friend love as well.

This book is based a lot on Jays experience as a monk which was cool- especially the parts on self love/ solitude and loving your community and the world. The book was well written and I feel a new sense of confidence in my relationships.

He focuses on how a romantic relationship cannot be your purpose, growing together, and how to fight effectively which I liked.

The last part is about how the only way to truly experience love is to give it freely and to live with love which is also what the sermon at church yesterday was about AND what I’m trying to do for Lent (live with love/stop being as much of an aggressive hater)
So I liked that all of these things overlapped.

Also it’s a lot about expressing gratitude for the little things

Quote I liked:

“Solitude helps you realize that there is a you before, a you during, and a you after every relationship, forging your own way even when you have someone else”

Slay this was a lot feeling profound now EXCITED for a silly little romance novel

Jay Shetty’s 8 Rules for Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go describes love in many forms, and offers its readers practical advice for how to build relationships with themself and others. His writing style is approachable and links Eastern philosophy with more contemporary examples to form a fairly typical self-help book.

Nothing in this book is particularly groundbreaking, but it is the type of novel that can be impactful for the right reader at the right time. It covers a variety of stages and forms of love, so not everything will be completely relatable for its readers.

I did feel a bit bored at several parts of this novel. It could have been shorter with fewer examples. However, I did finish it feeling more inspired to be more mindful in my daily life, so there’s that.

Thank you to NetGalley, Simon & Schuster Canada, and Jay Shetty for this ARC of 8 Rules for Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go.

The book has much details about how to define love, how to keep love, how to give and receive love and how to let go. But my personal take away from the book is an affirmation that in order to love and be loved, we need to start from within. We need to start by loving ourselves and be comfortable in our own skin.
I like how he focused on loving ourselves in solitude (its not your partner, friend, family member, etc job to provide for you the love, comfort, support, etc etc that you want/need. It's your job to do it for yourself. If you can't do it yourself, how do expect that from others? If you get this from outside, then thats a lovely bonus to what you do for yourself).

“We serve in ignorance when we don’t want to be left out. We serve out of passion when we want credit for what we’ve done. We serve in goodness when we don’t want recognition or an outcome- we just want to show pure love.”